I Was OK

Courtney Herrera

Thursday, January 11, 2018
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By Courtney Herrera

I was OK.
 

I was OK, being invisible.

This is life, I told myself.

Unseen but seeing. Seeing but unseen.

The loneliness became my constant companion.

After such a long time, the ache was unnoticeable.

I was OK.

I saw.

I was unseen.

Invisibility is not a superpower. It is just how things have always been.

 
Occasionally the ache would break through, but it was nothing I couldn’t manage. A few tears, squeezing myself back together.

I was OK.
 

Unseen . . . Seeing . . . Alone . . . but . . .

I was OK.

I WAS OK.

But then it happened.

You saw me.

You SAW me.
 

For days I wondered what wonderful witchcraft is this?

What is happening?
 

High on the beauty of being seen

You saw me!

You saw me!!

Then . . .

The ache . . .

Oh, the ache . . .
 

It became a searing pain.

Every instance in which I had been invisible . . .

Every small hurt . . .

They added up . . .

They multiplied . . .
 

They hit me with their sum of suffering.
 

You saw me.

You saw me, and now . . .

I’m not OK.
 

How can I be?

You saw me, and now . . .

I know what it’s like being seen.
 

How can I live after this?

Knowing the aching, searing pain

Of being seen and then

Of being unseen again?
 

How will I survive this?

I was OK

But then you saw me.

You saw me.

I have been seen.
 

I want more.

I crave it.

See me.

Please, see me.

Open your eyes and see me again

The way you did before. Not physically, but soulfully,
 

To the colorful core of my magnificent being.
 

See me. Please?

Only for a moment. I won’t ask for more.

Just see me

See me and it will be enough

To know that I am seen

To know that it’s you, seeing me.
 

As much as I want to touch you

As much as I want to be felt as well as seen

As much as I long to be loved by you

To be held,
 

I would settle for just being seen.
 

Just see me,

And it will be enough

To nourish my soul until the end of my days.
 

Let me swim in your gaze

Seeing you, seeing me . . .
 

Becoming the change we wish to be.

Courtney Herrera is a certified herbalist, aromatherapist and homeschooling mother of two. She believes in being her most authentic self, keeping an open heart and that Love is the only truth.


RISE